Should this poem be improved in any way?"?

Come Back To Me Tonight





I'm tired of hearing what you have to say


I'm tired of looking at your pretty face


Day by Day I wonder if,


I could come home now and sit


By you, maybe hold you


Look at me face to face


Never lie to me but cry to me


In the Day's night


In the moon's light


In the twilight's surface distress


Your thoughts linger now in my head


I miss you so much


I feel like I'm dead


Take me now from my mind


From the midnight's hollow binds


Take a breath of coldness and turn it into fright


Now come back to me again


On this dark and silent night








Oh and I'm only 13 and if you would like to see more go to


www.poetry.com-jasmine Kling

Should this poem be improved in any way?"?
I applaud you for being brave enough to post. Not knowing the WHO, the context relates to, the essence of the piece works.





You jump from rhyme to NON, though it may work for you?





In the Day's night (is this an error?)


In the moon's light





"In the days light


and the Moons at night??





"Take this chilled breath, turned to fright


come back to me please


On this dark, silent night"





Not at all a Fan of P.com, but your efforts are applaudable





Steven Wolf





One final. You change the TENSE from the beginning to end???
Reply:Wow! I'm impressed, when I was 13 I could barely tie my shoelaces. The first thing I notice is the intensity and honesty of the emotions. The second thing is the poem's strong musicality. I would definitely buy the CD if and when you do make it. One thing I got a kick out of is the punctuation, which consists of exactly two commas. Since those are the only pauses, it worked this way for me: the first three lines are a statement of how you feel, and the rest is an outpouring of the emotions themselves. And there's no period at the end. I think that means that the situation remains unsolved, the emotion goes on in you, and you don't know what will happen next. I like the subtle and somewhat humorous use of irony: "I'm tired of looking at your pretty face," and paradox: "I miss you so much I feel like I'm dead," and "the Day's night" followed by "the moon's light." The ending is very powerful, another profound and subtle double use of paradox. First, the emotions are so intense that they are numbing. Second, that the remedy for this numbness needs to be "a breath of coldness." Were you intellectually aware of all I have said when you wrote this, or do you have a very good intuitive sense of creativity? Thank you for this poem. It takes a good amount of courage to ask for other people's opinions. As far as "improving," no way! It's perfect, and you can't do better than perfect. I'm going to your website right now.
Reply:its good
Reply:very creative dont change a thing except maybe the number of sylybles is a few lines
Reply:i like it. it sounds like a song. maybe if u know any friends who are in a band u could show it to them. the only thing is the part that says "i miss u so much. i feel like im dead". it doesn't sound like it fits with the more creative parts of the poem. maybe u should try to put more emotion or describe the feeling in a more poetic way. but really other than that i enjoyed it.
Reply:thats pretty good, i like it.
Reply:How about this way:





I'm tired


of hearing what you have to say


I'm tired


of looking at your pretty face


Day by day I wonder


Could I come home now and sit?


Hold you?


Look at me


face to face


Never lie to me,


but cry to me


In the day's light


in the moonlight


in the twilight surface distressed


you linger in my head,


and I miss you


I feel like I am dead


take me; now


from my mind


from midnight's hollow binds


take a breath of coldness,


and turn it into fright


Now come back to me


this dark and silent night